My story begins at 4am on February 20th, 2010. I was fast asleep in my bedroom when I was awaken by my father knocking on my door, asking if I could unlock it. My father told me the night before that he wasn’t feeling well so he was going to sleep on the couch, which was strange to me, but stranger things have happened so I didn’t give it a second thought. My parents were divorced and my father had obtained custody of me when I was 5 years old, so I’ve spent most of my life living with him. Fast-forward to the next morning, I assumed he was knocking on my door because his “sickness” worsened. When I opened the door though, he was no where to be found. Instead, there was two gentlemen standing there. Before I could even think to shut the door, they’ve already began inviting themselves in. I remember analyzing both of their traits. One of them looked like a NFL quarterback, and the other one gave me more “season 12 of the bachelor” vibes. The quarter back proceeds to tell me that I needed to get dressed because I was coming with them, but he refused to tell me where we were going. After trying to reason with me back and forth for 15 minutes, he finally snaps. He snatches my phone, forces me to get dressed, and then zip-ties my hands for “his protection”. He walks me downstairs like a prisoner and we walk past my dad on our way out of the house. I gave my dad a sort of “what the hell is going on” look, and in return he says “No matter what happens Jarren, just know that I love you.” No matter what happens? No matter what fucking happens? What’s about to happen? But we’re already to the car at this point. I hear the cars GPS begin and announce “13 hours to Armagosa Nevada”. I tried to stay calm as much as possible, but inside my head I was freaking out.
It was probably the longest 13 hours of my life. Leave it to good old kidnapping to slow the time down. Around the 10th hour we started passing nothing but rocks and dirt. Then it finally came, the 13th hour. As I stare out the window I begin to see fencing in the distance. As we drove closer, I could tell that this type of fencing isn’t the type to keep people out, but to keep people in. It seemed to cover the radius of a football field, or maybe even a little more. When we arrived, I got out of the car and was introduced to two students who were “going to be my buddy” and they had me change immediately into a uniform. I said there must be some sort of mistake, but there wasn’t. I was told my parents knew exactly where I was, what was happening to me, and that I wasn’t going to see them for a while. They denied my request to call my father, and instead they walked me over to what seemed like a bathroom so that they could shave my head. I can vividly remember staring at myself in the mirror while they shaved away. Why would my parents send me here? Is this all because I was getting bad grades? Why don’t they want me anymore? I thought they loved me? I guess they just couldn’t wait to get rid of me. As the rest of my hair fell to the floor, I shed a tear. My two buddies walked me around the facility and explained how the school works. They handed me a booklet with all the rules, consequences, and privileges. As I flipped through it my heart only began to hurt more and more. I wasn’t going to see my friends or family for a long time. I was going to miss out on all the cool things a teenager’s supposed to experience. My 16th birthday, which was 4 months away, was going to be spent in this facility. There was a lot that was hard to accept, but little did I know that the pain I felt then and there on day one, was nothing compared to the journey I was about to experience.
As the days went by, I became more familiar with the schedule and structure. I remember I designated shower time as my time to cry in private. No one was able to tell the difference between water and tears running down my face. As the weeks went by, I no longer had any tears left to shed. Those tears represented sadness, hopelessness, and defeat. I discovered that my parent’s weren’t familiar with the whole truth with what was going down at the facility. They were told to believe things that weren’t true and were coached that I may try to manipulate them in my letters. Our letters were only allowed to be typed online, that way they can be reviewed or modified before they’re sent out. I remember one instance I came across was a letter I received from my mother stating that she’s so happy that I’m enjoying the horseback riding. Uhm, what? What horseback riding? I haven’t even seen a horse my whole time being there. I don’t think there’s horses in the desert mother. It was apparent that someone modified my letter and included that in there. The main reason they modified our letters though were incase we said something that was looked down upon. An example would be: “Mom I hate it here. The food is terrible and the schooling is a joke. Two girls even ran away last night and sucked off a trucker for a ride to Las Vegas.” (Which really did happen, but they were sent back) So as you can tell, it was hard to decipher the letters from true and false. After months went by, my soul felt completely numb. My body felt empty inside. I found myself daydreaming often about what I was going to do with my life whenever I was released. Those daydreams were my only way to escape reality, and it was the only thing the program couldn’t take away from me.
One day we woke up and everything was completely off. The staffing was completely switched around and our activities for the day were cancelled. All the groups were directed over to the community room, and there waiting for us was Jade Robinson. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Jade Robinson, he was the director of Horizon Academy and has also been involved with many other WWASPS programs in the past. Not to get off topic, but he was actually a fairly handsome man with a beautiful wife and family. After all groups were seated, he begins to explain that Horizon Academy will be moving to La Verkin Utah, and we were to all go back to our sleeping quarters and pack our belongings. Even the mattresses. As you could imagine, everyone was in shock. There’s only one reason that people just pack their things and run, and that’s when you’re in trouble. With Horizon Academy having the structure and unique discipline they practice, it was only surprising to me that they weren’t in hot water sooner. The last thing Jade revealed was that when we move to Utah, we will be sharing the facility with another program known as Cross Creek Academy, which made sense being that Cross Creek was one of Horizon’s sister schools under the WWASPS umbrella. We were all transported in those big white vans your parents warned you about when you were little, and we finally arrived in Utah late at night.
It took us all a while to get acclimated. It seemed like just when I was finally getting the hang of Nevada, I had to start fresh with Utah now. The first couple of weeks were a joke. Like, not even the staff or Jade Robinson knew what to do. None of the computers were set up for school and there was no daily schedule written up. Until they figured out what to do with us, they packed us into a room with a projector and played episodes of Hero’s all day. I must admit, it was my most enjoyed week in the program because there was no expectation from us. All we did was sit around and watch t.v for a week. In that week, I also met Chaffin Pullan and Jason Filinson who were now recruited to help rebuild the schools structure. All good things must come to an end though, because not only did they reinstate a schedule, but they included new rules and guidelines for us to follow. They now began using physical restraint against students who acted out. They would lock them in closets for hours or even days depending on the infraction and called it “isolation”. For smaller consequences we would have to write a certain amount of words about our actions or do worksheets, which was when you would sit in a room listening to an audio tape for hours and take test on each one until they felt like you worked off your consequence. The worst one of all, is if they feel like you’ve broken too many major consequences, they would transfer you over to the Cross Creek part of the facility for good. There was no going back after that.
I didn’t have many friends at Horizon, but I did have one other boy I was close to there. His name was Tyler, and he also identified as gay. We had so many things in common and acted very similar. I didn’t see him as a boyfriend, but more as a best friend. A lot of the staff members and higher ups frowned upon our friendship though. They saw our friendship from the ignorant mindset of “Two gay guys are talking. They must want to have sex with each other.” And because of that, they separated us. We were no longer allowed to speak to each other, look at each other, or even speak of one another. I was so infuriated with the homophobia the program displayed towards us that I lost all respect for anyone there. Tyler began hooking up with a lot of the other guys there, all who claimed to be “straight”, and I started to do the same. It sort of felt like I was giving Horizon the middle finger, but it also started to make me feel good inside. I started to feel wanted again. Sort of like, “I know my parents don’t want me, but at least this guy does” kind of mentality. I couldn’t get enough of it. It made my heart feel warm, and like I was invincible. It helped distract me from all the pain I was feeling and replaced it with what I thought was love. The day finally came though where enough was enough, and Tyler got transferred to Cross Creek. I should’ve taken his departure as a warning sign, but I’ve always suffered from an “untouchable” type of ego, so I thought surely that would never happen to me, but it did.
When I was transferred over to Cross Creek Academy, I was pretty frightened. All new staff, much harsher rules and consequences, and the worst of all, Ron Garrett. To this day I think Ron is one of the most verbally abusive people I’ve ever met. My first day transferred he called for a meeting with all the mens groups and announced that if I were to act “gay-ish” in any way, speech and mannerisms included, I would get consequenced. He informed all the students there to keep an eye out and report if they catch me doing any of these disgraceful acts. I was told that gay people go to hell and that if I continued to act the way I do, I would be one of them. He never had any issue embarrassing me in front of everyone and calling me out for things I can’t control. I witnessed him make so many kids cry and he never showed one ounce of remorse. I often wondered how unhappy his life must be for him to act the way he does. In fact, a bunch of the Cross Creek staff had attitude issues. It’s like Utah held a contest for people with the ugliest personalities, and then awarded the winners with job applications for CCA. I was put on staff buddy for my first 3 weeks there. And for those who are unfamiliar with the term, staff buddy means that you physically have to be surrounded by staff through out the day, and that your actions are limited. There isn’t any talking allowed, with the exception of everyday necessities like asking to go get a drink from the fountain or needing to use the restroom. Oh, and you must wear a piss yellow shirt that has been rewashed and recycled from all the previous staff buddies, so that everyone knows to not speak or acknowledge your presence. After the 3 weeks was up, I was finally able to speak to other students and learn more about the program. One of the major things that was different from Horizon was that we wrote our letters here by hand. We would address the envelopes, fold up our letters, and seal them shut. No one was able to edit them. This shocked me like no other. I was finally able to send my parents a letter without feeling like someone’s looking over my back. I had the opportunity of seeing my father once, a month before getting kicked out of Horizon, but I was told that if I tried to “manipulate” him at all that they would ask him to leave. When I finally saw him for the first time in a year, I was too scared to speak about the things that were going on because I didn’t want to get in trouble or have them kick him out. I just sat there and kept my mouth shut like they wanted because I didn’t want to lose the opportunity of finally seeing my father.
Now that I had the chance to write to him in a more discreet manor, you better believe I laid all my cards down on the table. I told him how good I’d be if he let me come home, I explained all the abusive tactics they used on us, and I even went into depth about how it was all effecting my mental health, but all he said back was that if I follow all the rules and guidelines, I wouldn’t have to worry about any of that. I could tell at that point that he took the programs coaching on manipulation very seriously. Never in my life at that point have I ever had to accept defeat on such an intimate level. I then knew that my only way out was to conform in every way possible to become what the program expects me to be. They want straight? I gave them straight. They wanted me to obey their commands? I obeyed. I turned into a goodie two shoes who befriended every staff member possible so that I could move up in my levels. The best part was that it was paying off very nicely. I learned that in order to win the game, you had to play strategically. As much as I wanted to fight it, I knew that there was only one way out, and it wasn’t by being a “difficult child”. I made it to level 3 in 3 months, but then I stumbled upon a road block. You see, during my stay at both Horizon and Cross Creek I learned many lessons, but depending on guys to fill the void I had inside my heart wasn’t one of them. As you could probably guess, my road block was in the form of a boy at Cross Creek, Nick. Nick wasn’t just the most attractive boy at Cross Creek, but he also had a personality that I clicked so well with. I noticed that after we hung out more often and began to get to know each other more, he started to become very flirtatious towards me. It wasn’t until soon after that we started to pass notes back and forth secretly, that began to get very “intimate” if you know what I mean. The whole situation was very sketchy, and I was risking everything I worked hard for just because I was desperate to feel wanted and loved. I could tell that Nick was paranoid about the whole situation as well, and he had even more to lose than I did being that he was level four.
Not long after though, it all came crashing down. Chaffin Pullan stormed his way into our group room and pulled me outside by my arm. He told me that Nick approached him with concern because I kept passing notes to him but he never replied to any and threw them away immediately. Nick told Chaffin that he was genuinely paranoid because I wouldn’t stop and that he doesn’t want anyone to think he entertained this negative behavior. In other terms, I got sold out. Chaffin wouldn’t believe me when I defended myself, and he ended up stripping me of my levels and placed me back on staff buddy. It was basically history repeating itself. I lost respect from all the staff I befriended, and went from being a model student to the community predator in less than 5 minutes. My self confidence was yet again crushed, and my credible reputation was decease. I did my best to stay strong though. I still had my eye on the prize and knew I could work my way back up the ladder as long as I played my cards right.
I struggled a lot with school at these programs. The classes were mainly taught online and when it came to needing help, we’d have to click on the chat bubble to ask for assistance from people who barely spoke English. The only benefit from taking classes in these programs was that they were in control of assigning our grades, and because they always wanted to prove to our parents how well we’re doing, we always got A’s and B’s. The downside to that though is that I wasn’t really taking in the material or learning much during my time there. I remember expressing my frustration about it one day in a letter I was writing my father, but I didn’t think much of it but a useless rant. It wasn’t until a couple days later that I found out that my “useless rant”, was actually my life saver. I forgot how greatly my father valued education. I was called into Garth’s office, who was my therapist there, and we hoped on a phone call with my father where he expressed to me that I was going to be discharged from the program the next morning and that he was going to send in my flight itinerary because I would be flying out of Las Vegas Airport. He was also going to be sending me a phone so that way he could contact me. (iPhone 3GS) I can’t put into words how my body felt in that moment. It’s sort of similar to the men who are on Maury and the test results came back negative for being the father. I was experiencing so many emotions at once that my body started shaking. I was relieved that it was finally over, I was grateful that I would soon be able to have my freedom back, I was happy that I was going to be able to see my father soon, and I experienced a little sadness because I wished I was able to take all my friends there with me and break them out. After my call I was given specific instructions that I wasn’t allowed to relay to any of the other students of my departure the next day, and I was to get up the next morning at 5am to pack my belongings and clear the area before anyone wakes up. I was told that the reason behind this was because sometimes when students know another student is leaving, they will pass them notes in order to have them contact people in the outside world for them. For example, someone trying to pass me a note saying to message their girlfriend on Facebook and tell her where he is. Stuff like that. As much as I wanted to tell my friends there that I was finally being discharged, I kept my mouth shut because there’s no way I was going to upset any of the staff members and possibly having my discharge or something cancelled. Not that would really happen, but at this point in my life even the little things made me paranoid. I always lived in constant fear that I was going to get in trouble or punished. That night I experienced the best sleep I’ve ever had since being in the program. I was finally able to rest and relax because I knew it was all about to be over. I was woken up at 5, got all my belongings together, and walked the halls of Cross Creek for the very last time. The school provided me with a ride to the airport, which was shocking, but I’m pretty sure my dad had something to do with all the arrangements.
It wasn’t until after being dropped off that I realized the impact these programs had on me. I looked at the phone that my dad sent and I had no clue how to use it. I also felt immediately guilty and paranoid that I actually had a cell phone in my hand, which would never be allowed in those programs. I hadn’t touched a cell phone in 2 years. It also felt so wrong to be able to wonder around freely without having to have someone watching my every move. It was uncomfortable. I completely felt like a fish out of water. Going up to people and being able to talk to them freely without being monitored made me anxious. I was such a social butterfly before being admitted into the program but now my wings have been cut off. I remember putting on my headphones that came with the phone and started listening to all the music I missed out on. It felt like I time traveled from 2010 to 2012 because I had no clue
